Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Do not quit Lexapro cold turkey

My insurance company, US Healthcare, suddenly decided to take Lexapro off its formulary. It did this the same month I lost my job. I had to either pay $300 for my prescription (which I could not do), or quit cold turkey. So I quit cold turkey.

So July 1 I quit taking it. It's now October 20 and I'm back on it for a week. I finally stopped crying yesterday after three months of uncontrollable sobbing.

I think back on the darkness of my journey back to Lexapro.... The suicidal thoughts 24/7, the hot flashes, the feelings of being insane. Unable to communicate and feeling cut off from the world. Talking to myself out loud. Feeling dizzy, and uncoordinated. Shivering from cold when in a room temperature environment. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling desperate and ready to kill myself quietly and instantly and let the chips fall where they may.

You don't phone a hotline when you're serious about suicide. You think about what to do with your pet. I had decided to bring Zacki to the vet and leave her there, come home, and kill myself. I had it all worked out. But between the hot and cold flashes, dizzy/nauseated feelings, and space-brain, I kept forgetting where I was and what I was doing. So I'd sit down again, and immerse in Second Life, or try to speak coherently to my friend Debbie, who has now become used to my going silent for weeks at a time. Depression sucks.

I have a new job, and refilled my prescription, and took my first pill.... and the hot flashes which has been occurring every 45 minutes for 6 minutes duration, STOPPED. On the second dose, my brain cleared. It was like somebody removed a heavy foggy shroud from my mind. The chills stopped, and I don't have to sit at my desk at work with a blanket over me, shivering. Some how, some way, maybe it was the third dose -- I stopped thinking about suicide - and that is like a shrill radio in the background has been turned off.

I honestly think, that Lexapro is more important right now, than my mortgage. They can foreclose on the house, I don't care, as long as I don't have to think about killing myself any more. It was a horror.

Never quit Lexapro cold turkey.

For me, Never quit Lexapro, period. I'm done with the withdrawal crap. I'm glad to have the drug back in my life. Apparently, I need it. So be it.

United Heathcare, on the other hand, nearly killed me. I blame them 100% for my misery.

9 comments:

Marcus said...

And you never let me know...

Marcus

Spiritul Growth Blog said...

Quiting any prescription drug cold turkey without consulting a doctor (and sometimes even when dr has been consulted) is a dangerous idea. Too many addiction-causing drugs used these days, and withdrawls are terrible.

Anonymous said...

you need to cut yourself once and for all

Anonymous said...

dead yet?

Lucia said...

Nope. Still taking Lexapro.

Anonymous said...

well there is always tomorrow

Anonymous said...

or tomorrow

Anonymous said...

Yet?

Anonymous said...

make a "mental" note pretty much says it all